Sometimes, I very selfishly think to myself, “you could have fought harder”. It’s a shit-ass thing to think because I know that Djamila was in a lot of pain before she died. The pain consumed her and in the midst of it all, there was really nothing I could do to help.
I did my best to stay positive. When we first received the diagnosis, I didn’t want her to wallow in it but looking back, I think the day she got the diagnosis was the day she quit living. That fucking tumor was growing so fast and when the doctor told us there was virtually nothing they could do, I think that was when Djamila just stopped being.
I, on the other hand, had this foolish notion that together, we could fight anything. I came home that night and found quotes about strength and courage. I printed them up and took them to the hospital to pin up in her room. I don’t think she ever saw them. I think the actual word cancer was enough to seal the deal. I watched the life slowly drain out of her and there was absolutely nothing I could say or do to motivate her to try…to fight. It was as though a switch had been flicked to the off position and now, it was stuck in place. No amount of coercion or muscle was going to make it move. It was off and it was going to stay off.
Sometimes, I get so angry with her. I want to yell at her and ask her why she didn’t try. Was our life together not enough? Was her family not enough? I tried everything I could think of to help her maintain some positivity but I was not successful.
I fucking HATE feeling this way. I hate being angry. I am not the type of person who is good at expressing what I feel. I tend to swallow everything down and keep it down. I know it’s not good for me but it’s what I’ve always done. The only time in my life I was able to let go a little was with Djamila. She was the only person I ever opened up to as much as I did. I don’t like showing emotion. Hell, I don’t like even admitting I have emotions. I have wonderful friends with whom I have shared various sides of myself, but they are few and far between. I am more inclined to play the distraction game and lead them off into a different direction if they get too close. When I tried that with DJ, she was the one who told me the relationship would never work if I couldn’t open myself up fully to it. That meant, being comfortable enough to expose all sides of myself within the relationship. Yell if I needed to yell, cry if I needed to cry, curse if I needed to curse, and laugh when I needed to laugh. I had to be able to open up and expose all the ugly, and the pretty (which I very rarely acknowledge) in order for us to be. So, I did.
And now what? Now, almost a year later, I am left raw and bleeding and sad and angry and there’s only so much one can swallow before it all comes rushing back up. What will I do with it then, when the only person who would have understood it is gone?
I enjoy reading and have blogged in the past about travel and books. My latest blog is a vanity blog. I write about whatever comes to mind, specifically, things I think I need in life. Hope you enjoy!