I Need a New Space

This is going to sound silly but a silicone waffle mold caused a bit of a breakdown today.

I was looking for a clean dish towel to dry my dishes with when I spied the waffle mold and all of a sudden a flood of memories came at me all at once.

Guenther HouseDjamila and I used to enjoy eating at a place in San Antonio called The Guenther House. It’s the old home of C.H. Guenther who established the Pioneer Flour Mill on the San Antonio River. The restaurant is situated on some beautiful grounds near the river and serves breakfast, brunch, and lunch. The last time we ate there was only a few months before she died. It was a last minute decision to eat there and it was a beautiful spring morning. After we finished eating, we wandered over to the small museum and the store. As usual, we bought too many silly things and one of those things was the waffle molds. Of course, I had good intentions when we bought them. I saw myself making waffles and us sitting down to enjoy them for breakfast. Of course, things changed rapidly over the next month or so and I forgot all about them.

It’s not fair that the most mundane of objects can hold so many memories, enough to bring a person to their knees with grief. And the worst thing is that once these crying jags begin, there’s no place I can go in this house that doesn’t exacerbate what I’m already crying about.

Then, my next horrible thought was “thank God that Djamila and I never had time to travel to Italy together” because that is where I want to move when I retire and the thought of facing life with more memories like this would probably kill me. And then, I think to myself, “it’s awful that you’re thinking this way” because I don’t want to erase her memory from my life…and I couldn’t even if I tried, but sometimes I need to be somewhere we didn’t share time or thoughts or physical space together. Someplace I can tuck the memories and the pain away, just for a little while.

Fuck This I Need Life Sucks Lost Sadness

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Monica View All →

I enjoy reading and have blogged in the past about travel and books. My latest blog is a vanity blog. I write about whatever comes to mind, specifically, things I think I need in life. Hope you enjoy!

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