I Need Less Light

My house is slowly reverting back to the cave it was before Djamila came into my life.

When she was here, the curtains were always opened to allow the sun and the natural light to permeate the rooms. Even in the brutal heat of the south Texas summers, the windows were open a crack to let in the “fresh air”. I tried to explain to her, so many times, that in this type of heat, there was no such thing as “fresh air” but she never listened and cracked the windows open anyway.

The curtains over the window that faces the street were drawn shut every night before bed. When Djamila woke up, one of the first things she did was open those curtains to let the light in. I think I’ve opened them maybe a handful of times since she died because I don’t need the light and besides, I liked watching her pull into the drive when she got home from work. Now, I know she’s not coming home. Her car is gone from the driveway and it’s not coming back.

Today, I took a personal day off work and I decided to veg out in front of the television. I’m binge watching Daredevil because I need to watch something that will cheer me up…haha.

Our television faces a window and there is always an annoying glare that subverts the tv screen. A while back, I closed the curtain on half the window to decrease the glare. DJ hated it when I would do that so, when the sun went down, I would open it back up. Since she died, I leave it closed. Today, I closed the other half of that curtain. The glare is gone completely and the picture on the tv screen is much better now.

It’s also darker in the room and I think I like it that way.

I haven’t pulled open the black-out curtains in the bedroom since DJ died either. It’s as though the light hurts my eyes now. Plus, it’s easier to ignore the mess when it’s dark.

I think, if I could bring myself to do it, I would just shutter all the windows closed. I would make the entire house dark and refuse to let in the light because, obviously, the light has done nothing for me.

Sometimes, I think the only light I have now are the friends I make myself call or write or visit but even that is becoming harder to do.

I think that hibernation would suit me. If I could, I would sleep for months at a time and wake up when I’m feeling more aligned with spring. That was Djamila’s favorite time of the year.

It seems right somehow, that I honor her love of all things renewed. So, maybe in the spring, I’ll decide that the light is a good thing. Maybe in the spring, I’ll throw open the curtains, the windows, and the doors and I’ll let in the light and the breeze and the “fresh air”. But until then, I think the cave suits me just fine.

Death Fuck This I Need Sadness

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Monica View All →

I enjoy reading and have blogged in the past about travel and books. My latest blog is a vanity blog. I write about whatever comes to mind, specifically, things I think I need in life. Hope you enjoy!

2 Comments Leave a comment

  1. Oh Monica you betcha each one of us have been there and some still are. Death is not something you can talk to or reason with or explain it or wish it away. Once it happens it is always present I. One form or another. Death comes in different shapes and forms but with no answers and no explanation. Sometimes we sink so deep that we don’t recognize ourselves anymore. That is when you need someone you can talk to about how much you have lost and how you feel you’ll never be happy again. At some point in our own time we realize that is not what our loved one would want for us nor is it what we would want for them. Every emotion possible hits you all at once. Sorting those out takes time. Nothing easy about it but it is necessary. Prayers for you sweetie. So sorry you have such pain wish I could fix it. Praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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