I Need Together

It is currently 69 degrees Fahrenheit and it’s the first cool night we’ve had since spring, here in San Antonio. Tonight, I miss DJ more than usual because on the first cool evening after the long, hot South Texas summer, it was our custom to step out onto our back deck, right before bedtime, and…

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I Need a “Best Life”

These last few days, I’ve been camping in the RV that DJ and I were supposed to use to travel around the U.S. Even though she never set foot in it after the first visit when we decided to buy it, I feel her presence here with me. Right after we bought it, she came…

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I Don’t Need a Train Ride

There is a train at the station. This train is comprised of many cars. There are several cars that appear to be having wonderful parties. People are drinking and laughing and enjoying themselves. There are other cars that are more sedate. People are sitting and conversing with animated gestures and intense faces. There are other…

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I Don’t Need Anymore Snacks

I am an “open-one-bag-at-a-time person”. I detest having multiple boxes of cereal or several bags of chips open at once. I like to open one bag, finish the contents of said bag, then to move on to the next bag. I’m anal like that. DJ was not. DJ was an “I-need-to-open-every-snackbag-in-the-house-and-taste-it-all” kind of person. And,…

You're not even seeing all of them!

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I Need a Rewind Button

Last night I asked God to rewind my life back to six months ago. I figured that would be enough time for me to tell DJ to get to an OB/GYN and to get a pap smear or to have an exam that might catch the cancer before it progressed. I prayed that when I…

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I Need Some Time Away

I used to love Sunday mornings. There’s a radio station in my city that plays Sunday morning jazz and once DJ woke up and started getting ready for the day, the radio went on in the bedroom and in the living room and we would listen to easy jazz for a good part of the…

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I Need to Know…

…how God expects me to just continue doing what I was doing before DJ died without constantly breaking down. I have left my home three times in the last week. I went to Walgreens and almost lost it there. I took my mom to lunch the other day and that went okay which inspired me…

WhereDoesItGo

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I Need My Connection

I watch people. They walk around living their lives, seemingly untouched by disaster or death. I know that’s not necessarily true of everyone but I don’t care becauseĀ I feel a disconnect to this world. I feel as though there is a wall between me and everything around me. I can see what everyone is doing.…

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I Need to Cry Now

This is set to publish at the same time DJ’s memorial service is taking place. Adjectives. DJ loved her adjectives. Self-assured. Jubilant. Luscious. Stunning. Delectable. Succulent. Fragrant. Joyous. Beautiful. Vibrant. Passionate. Euphoric. Optimistic. Colorful. Remarkable. Sizzling. Vivacious. Djamila, or DJ, as she was known to most of us, was a wonderful mix of the most…

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I Need A Memory Machine

As I walk around this empty house, I am amazed at what constitutes a person’s life once they’ve left us. Bits of paper with scribbled notes. Receipts. Old greeting cards. Snacks. Clothing. Jewelry. Flotsam and jetsam are the words that appeared most prominently in my mind as I tossed and turned in bed the other…

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