I Need to Find Myself

I want to know when I’ll stop thinking in “this is what I was doing last year” increments of time? It doesn’t help a damned thing when I think that way but I just can’t seem to stop myself.

This time last year, it was our last Easter together. This time last year, I rented us a cabin for her birthday and it was our last trip together. This time last year, she was getting ready to die and I didn’t have a fucking clue.

I can’t fucking stand it when I think like that but I can’t make it stop. It gets in my head and pounds incessantly…”this-time-last-year, this-time-last-year, this-time-last-year”. Where will these thoughts go after July the first? Will this continue for the rest of my fucking life? This time two years ago, this time three years ago, five years ago today…

I don’t really care about anything much anymore. The house has gone to shit (DJ would be LIVID with me). I can’t concentrate at work anymore and everything about it seems trivial. I love my family and friends but what I really want to do is get in the car and just keep driving until I can’t drive anymore and then drive even further. Or, better yet, get in a plane and lose myself in a foreign country. Somewhere that DJ and I never visited together so I won’t see her everywhere I go. I can’t even go to the fucking grocery store without holding back tears.

And speaking of tears. I cry a fucking lot now. I’ve never been a cryer. I take that back…I always cried at sappy movies but I wasn’t much of a cryer for myself or any personal situations. Now, I fight back tears all the damned time. Sometimes, I even find myself watching some show on television when I notice my face is wet and find I’ve been crying and didn’t even know it. What the ever-loving fuck is that about?!

I’m not stupid. I know I’m still depressed about DJ’s death and I know that running away won’t solve anything, but I’d sure like to find out for myself whether or not it would help. I think I just need a long, long break from the day to day. Time to recoup without any obligations would be nice but I think that day is a long time coming.

The person I was with DJ is gone and I need time to find the person I’m supposed to be without her. How in the hell am I supposed to do that when all I can do is think about who I was when I was with her?

Death Fuck This I Need Life Sucks Lost Sadness

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Monica View All →

I enjoy reading and have blogged in the past about travel and books. My latest blog is a vanity blog. I write about whatever comes to mind, specifically, things I think I need in life. Hope you enjoy!

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