Next month, June, it will be a year since DJ got sick, went into the hospital, and never walked out again. My heart aches more than I can ever express but there will never be anything I can do to remove that ache. At the most, the ache will subside, I hope. It’s still raw and weepy but from what everyone says, it will close in time. But until then…what?
I spend hours thinking, going over the few months before she died. Did I miss something important? Was there something about her actions that would have hinted at the cancer that I didn’t see? Was she exhibiting signs or symptoms I ignored or let her gloss over? I don’t know and the idea that I may have missed something is torture to me.
Some days I’m convinced there was no way I could have seen anything she didn’t want me to see and some days I’m sure she knew what was happening inside her body. It just tears me apart to think something might have been happening and that she was too scared to acknowledge it to me, or even acknowledge it to herself.
As a partner, you want to believe that you know your other half well. You want to believe that sometimes, you know them better than you know yourself. Sometimes, I feel like I failed her. I failed to help her when she needed me the most. Logically, I know that’s not true but my heart won’t listen to my head.
I’m just rambling here and I know it but these thoughts swirl around in my brain all the time. Most of the time, I can put them to rest but not always and I guess there’s not really a damned thing I can do about it except roll with it and do the best I can to face up to my day to day life without her by my side. It’s just so fucking hard.
I enjoy reading and have blogged in the past about travel and books. My latest blog is a vanity blog. I write about whatever comes to mind, specifically, things I think I need in life. Hope you enjoy!