I Need to Know…

…how God expects me to just continue doing what I was doing before DJ died without constantly breaking down.

I have left my home three times in the last week. I went to Walgreens and almost lost it there. I took my mom to lunch the other day and that went okay which inspired me to make a decision to venture out today to buy some groceries. I found a Trader Joe’s gift card in our collection of gift cards, so I decided to save some money and use it.

That was a mistake. I knew it as soon as I entered the store. Trader Joes’s has only been in San Antonio for a couple of years and we went there pretty frequently to do our grocery shopping. It was all I could do to just steel myself and get the few things I needed to get without falling down in the middle of the aisle, screaming and crying like a raving lunatic.

All those things she loved to buy…the wild mushroom brie, olive bread and demi-baguettes, the dark chocolate bars, the chocolate cookies shaped like cats…all those things she loved…I barely made it to the car without losing it.

And, to make it all worse, her car. It sits in the driveway signaling, “I’m home!”, but she’s not home, and she’ll never be home again.

When DJ moved to Texas from North Carolina, one of the favorite moments of my day was when I would turn down my street and see that her car was in the driveway. This meant home to me. My love was home and I was home. That was such a wonderful feeling! To know that the person you loved was there waiting for you to arrive. Now, I turn down the street and her car is a reminder that no one is home waiting for me.

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to survive this next year. There are so few places in this city that don’t evoke memories. It’s going to be so hard and I’m not looking forward to it. In the meantime, I suppose I have to make a semblance of getting back to the real world. Get up every morning. Go back to work. Continue shopping for groceries. Blah, blah, blah.

Familia Fuck This I Need Life Sucks Love Personal

Monica View All →

I enjoy reading and have blogged in the past about travel and books. My latest blog is a vanity blog. I write about whatever comes to mind, specifically, things I think I need in life. Hope you enjoy!

4 Comments Leave a comment

  1. I think Monica that as the days go by and the shock starts to ease a little, you will start to see those places when you visit them as somewhere where you shared love, where the happy memories are. At the moment, you are in too much pain but when you have the strength you should try to conjure up the feeling of the happiness that you shared with DJ in these places. It would be a shame if all the love and happiness got swept away. Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: