I Don’t Know What I Need

This last week has been the week from hell.

But before I get into that, I want to say that I am grateful for so many people in my life. Friends I have never met face to face who inspire me and make me feel better about what’s happening in my part of the world (Michelle, I hope you know I’m talking about you). New friends who are keeping us in their prayers and answering questions at the drop of a hat (Leslie, thank you). Friends I have known for over 20 years who jump into action with only a word about what I need, who I know will always be there for me (TJ & Mary, if you’re reading this, yes, you are definitely those friends). And family who, although are not always readily available when some things happen, are there when you need them the most (they don’t read this blog and that’s okay because sometimes I need to bitch about them, too). If it weren’t for these people, and others, this week would have been an unmitigated disaster for my psyche.

Let me take you back to a couple of weeks ago…my partner of 10 years was not feeling well. Intense pain in her abdomen had her sidelined for the entire weekend. Finally on Sunday, I talked her into going to the ER to have everything checked out. They diagnosed her with a urinary tract infection and did a CT scan. The CT scan picked up on a large mass in her uterus. They told her she needed to follow-up with an oncologist during the week. We left the ER worried, but not too worried because she had a history with fibroids in the past. Monday morning, she felt much better and worked all week. Thursday night, she ran a temperature that spiked to 102 degrees which disappeared by Friday morning. However, the abdominal pain returned. On Sunday, we went back to the ER and from there, she was admitted to the hospital.

Long story short, my partner was diagnosed with uterine cancer. In less than a week, our normal, every day lives have been turned upside down. I can’t seem to think in coherent thoughts and I dissolve into tears for any little thing. Honestly, if you had told me that between my partner and myself, she would be the one diagnosed with some horrible disease, I would have laughed in your face. This is a woman who eats organic. Won’t eat processed products. Doesn’t touch refined sugar. Eats nothing with nitrites. Uses toothpaste that reminds me of spackle because Dr. Mercola says regular toothpaste is toxic. Stores food in glass containers. Takes supplements I can’t even pronounce. And, has absolutely no history of any type of cancer in her family. This is the woman who was diagnosed with uterine cancer this week.

I know that this scenario plays itself out, probably hundreds of times a day, all over the world. I know there are spouses out there dealing with the exact same issue I am dealing with but what I want to know is how do they do it? How do they cope with all the regular day-to-day issues and still be there 100% for their loved one? How do they know what to say? How do they know when to shut up? How do they know when to stop trying to impose their will and their wants onto their partner? How do they know when to push?

My partner and I celebrated being together for 10 years in April. I know her idiosyncracies. I know her habits. I know how much lemon she likes in her water. I know how she likes the bed made. I know her. But all of a sudden, I don’t know her. Her will seems to have leached out of her within the span of a few days. The woman who couldn’t go without a daily shower, sometime two daily showers, doesn’t care if she showers or not. The woman who dutifully brushed her teeth for a minimum of two minutes every morning and night, has to be coerced to brush them in the morning. The woman who was so diligent in making sure her hair was just right, doesn’t even want me to comb it. And, I don’t know what to say to motivate her. I don’t know what to do to help her. I am lost and have no idea where to go next.

Familia I Need I Want Life Sucks Personal

Monica View All →

I enjoy reading and have blogged in the past about travel and books. My latest blog is a vanity blog. I write about whatever comes to mind, specifically, things I think I need in life. Hope you enjoy!

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